In Rsponse to Ask Amy

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/tribu/askamy/ct-ae-0820-amy-20110820,0,1948815,full.column

Dear Amy:

We need some insight regarding grandparents' rights.
Our son married a single mother of a 6-year-old boy and together they had a daughter.

From the start, we saw the baby almost daily.
Now almost 2, the baby is a delightful child who has given us a great deal of happiness.
We make a point to spend a lot of quality time with our granddaughter and have developed a wonderful relationship with her.
However, our son and daughter-in-law are insisting that we show the same level of affection with her son.
Now they are withholding visits with our granddaughter based on that condition.
While we have always welcomed this boy and have never mistreated him, we simply don't feel the same about him as our granddaughter. We think our son and his wife are being unreasonable.
Everyone we know agrees with us, and now we are looking for an impartial opinion.
First of all, is it wrong that we can't find a way to treat the two children exactly alike?
And, secondly, is it wrong that we should not be allowed to see our granddaughter because of this fact?
— Grandparents

Dear Grandparents:

It might seem impossible to feel exactly the same way about two children, but openly favoring one child is damaging to both children, the children's parents — and to you.
"Not mistreating" this boy is a depressingly low standard.
You may not be able to instantly muster the level of affection for your step-grandson that you do your granddaughter, but you don't seem to have made much of an effort. Isn't your grandparents' embrace big enough, wide enough and expansive enough for two?
I don't agree with the parents' decision to use their toddler daughter as a wedge to manipulate and control you, but I do agree with their effort to get your attention.
Your "right" to be with your grandchildren extends only as far as the parents wish it to. Visits are at their discretion.
I suggest you meet with your son and his wife (without the children present) to ask for their suggestions about ways you could get to know this grandson better. Give them suggestions, too, about how they can better help you to expand your reach.

In the morning I get up early enough to read the online comics and a little Dear Abby and Ask Amy before I have to get into the meat of the day. Above is from today’s (Saturday, August 20, 2011) Ask Amy column. Amy’s answer was rather lame, especially when she said the parents were wrong for withholding visits that were clearly damaging their family. But more than anything, today’s post made me think of the people in my life who accept, whose arms embrace, whose hearts grow to fill the need, even when they thought it couldn’t be done.

My mother was one that was surprised at how we integrated Barry, my ex-husband, into the family. In her life, when people divorce, they disappear, they are not spoken of except in general terms and only on very rare occasions. And if you should meet them on the street, it is a very, very awkward moment. Yet, because Barry was still a very big part of my life and the lives of her grandchildren, the whole family embraced and welcomed and loved him. When he remarried, his wife, Kitty, more fully integrated into our family. We all embraced her children. We accepted all of them. Her children remember my mom as grandma and have spoken of the wonderful memories associated with her and my dad. To my mom and dad, they were family.

I remember my mother bristling a bit when Kitty was showing pictures of her kids that included pictures of mine. She had thought Kitty was trying to usurp my motherhood. I let her know that Kitty was accepting my children into her heart as her own, not labeling them “Step.” I told her that my children knew I was their mother and they knew they could have a relationship with Kitty without offending me. We are all connected in this family web of ours. She never bristled again and embraced Kitty as fully as she embraced Barry.

I can add Afton and Rosel Hyde to this list as the embraced me into the family long before I married their son. Robert Hyde Jr who has a flock of kids that he treats as his own, whose blood connection is not nearly so important as the family connection he forges. Loraine Tackett who is mom to many more than those she gave birth to. And her children have that some acceptance, that same family embrace.

There are others I could add to this list, but this illustrates my point that family is those you let into your heart. Family is the connections and bonds we forge.Those connections and bonds are our life's blood. They keep our hearts open to possibilities and growing to make room for more connections and bonds.

And shame on those grandparents for having such a narrow sense of family. They have no clue as to what they are missing.

What is a Superhero?

There has been a lot of hype and movies over the years about Superheroes. Batman, Superman, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Ultraviolet have all been written about and immortalized on Hollywood’s big screen. But I have to tell you that my version of what a superhero is has little to do with golden lassos, radioactive spiders or ancient alien civilizations.

A hero is someone who acts despite the fear, despite the obstacles and whose vision focuses beyond themselves. Though they are not perfect, when they add passion and the ability to inspire they begin to reach toward that superhero inside them. I would like to highlight two superheroes becoming…

William has had his share of life’s solid blows that knocked him to his knees then sat on him so he couldn’t stand up. But he did just that. He stood up, he moved forward. He is finding balance in his life of being a husband, a father and a man. He understands his limitations but does not limit himself. 

He is a warrior. No because he joined the military and did a tour in Iraq. Not because he waded through the contaminated waters of Katrina. He was a warrior before he chose a military career. He stepped beyond the expectations of labels. He made decisions as a man should; with deliberation, discussion and without running to his mother to ask permission. Now he stands by his family, with his family and for his family. He plays the cards that life has dealt him and has a winning hand.

He inspires me with his ability to move beyond his physical pain, to engage with his children, to create with his imagination and to smile. A superhero in the works if ever I saw one.

Aaron works, utilizing the education he is still pursuing. He has a family that has special needs. And he consciously continues to improve the man he is. His energy and drive reflects in his family’s energy and drive. Sometimes over-the-top, sometimes reflective and sage, he meets life head-on. 

He shares his experiences with enthusiasm. And not just those experiences that build on the image of a perfect man in an imperfect world. He shares the humbling experiences, the heart-rending experiences that can knock you flat and take your breath away. He opens doors for others to see similar circumstances in their lives from a different perspective.

He is a teacher in all that he does. If I were to name the one thing that defines him, it would be teaching. While he is a nurse, an instructor, a father, a husband, a friend, teacher is at the core of all he does. He brings the student in, gives them the tools to succeed, inspires them to reach beyond themselves and supports them through the ups and downs of learning. This is evident whether in his role as a father or instructor or friend. Definitely a superhero in the works.

Life is Good Because...

Life is Good Because...the opportunities to see life's treasures motivate me to look for them!

At our all admin meeting, the owner of the company I work for stated the meeting off with "Life is Good Because..." She went around the room and asked each of us to finish that sentence with a personal reason and a corporate reason. She encouraged us to write something each day and place it at the top of our priority lists for that day. I LIKE it!

I have introduced to my kids, who have introduced to their friends, the Positive Perspective as a tool to bring a negative perspective to a more positive one. This fits right into that. If you can start your day with a positive thought, your day will more easily follow the positive.

Oh, yes, life is full of things that can take us away from the positive, adding stress, adding negative thoughts. People who cut you off in traffic, people you interact with that just don't get it,the car not starting and you are going to be lte for work, or that appointment or the movie, your child finding a permanent marker just before going out the door to church and drawing all over the walls, their clothes and their just cleaned face, that boss who keeps asking you for more and more but takes every opportunity to make you feel less and less competent. This and a myriad of other negative sparkers.

But we do not have to live with the negative, stress causing, cortisol stimulating feelings. We can balance it and even wipe out the effects by being positive. Oh yes, easier said than done...I can hear the sarcasm but also the hope in that statement.

I'll lay out the Positive Perspective in another post. For now just know it is possible. And look for the positive things that already exist in your life and that happen every day.

Are You Looking for a Job? Be Respectful

When you are looking for a job, show respect. I can almost hear some of you reading this say DUH!. But there is more to showing respect than being polite and courteous.

First, show respect for yourself and for the company you are applying for employment by finding out something about them beyond their storefront. It shows an interest that can make or break the interview process. Find out their mission statement or philosophy then speak to it. This can move you along to the next interview and closer to getting the position. When you understand the company’s mission and philosophy you can answer questions easier and clearer.

A young man I know, a nurse who was looking to improve his chances of becoming a travel nurse by applying for a hospital position. He had a strong resume along with strong recommendations from colleagues and from people in a position to make an impact. His academics were strong with continuing education units to bolster his position and worth to the hospital. He did not get the position. The department he was looking at wanted a commitment of five years and while he was willing to do that, he spoke extensively about moving on to travel nursing. Their philosophy was commitment. He did not speak to the commitment, but to moving on to something else.

What you wear is as important as what you say. While it is great to express your individuality, dressing down, covering tattoos, turning your green hair to a more natural color is appropriate when job hunting and hoping for an interview. Wearing dress slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt (man or woman) shows respect by taking the process seriously. And in return, you are taken seriously. I cannot count the number of times I spoke with hiring managers who took one look at an applicant and made the decision on the spot not to hire them because of what they were wearing or the garish display of tattoos, piercings and bright colored rainbow streaks in their hair. The consensus was, “Yeah, right, they’re looking for a job? They haven’t got a clue.”

For women, show some respect for yourself by getting hired on your abilities and not how short your skirt is. For you men out there, wearing tight pants to show off your assets or shirts that show your ripped abs and biceps is not likely to get you taken seriously. For anyone who gets hired based on their sex appeal, it will be hard to garner the respect or have your ability to do your job taken seriously. 

Don’t get me wrong. Maybe showing your ink is appropriate if you are applying at a tattoo parlor. Showing your long legs may be totally suitable for applying to exotic dancing. And the guy applying to be a bouncer might want to emphasize his muscle bulk. But even when applying to McDonald’s you cannot go wrong with nice slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt…even without the tie. Rule of thumb, the more professional the position, the more professional your dress should be.

One last bit on respect – showing respect for yourself, showing respect for the company you are making application to. Stand straight, don’t slouch. Make sure your breath is fresh but ditch the gum and/or breath mint before you get to the interview. Trying to get words around a wad of gum or breath mint is tantamount to talking with your mouth full at the dinner table. Avoid using swear words or slang not part of the culture of the company you are applying to. This can cause misunderstanding and the loss of a job opportunity. 

And finally, never deride or make derogatory comments about previous employers no matter what the circumstances were that separated you from their employment.

Wink, Wink, Blink!

Is it foreshadowing? Is it premonition? Is it a wink from God?

I am reminded of random moments in my life, in the lives of those close to me where something significant is said or happens that foreshadows the future. Though not always clear as to what prompts these moments, there have been many of them.

Now, before I go further, let me say that I do not believe the future is set in stone. The future, our future, my future is based on the decisions, the actions I take today and tomorrow and so on. I believe very strongly in our agency, our ability to choose shapes what is to come for us. I also believe that we can make choices that will put us in a place where the number of choices available to us lessens. Our actions, our perspective and our choices, have consequences.

I recently was reading a book When God Winks by Squire D. Rushnell (Atria Books September 2002). I was reading to a client. I began to realize that maybe these moments were not so random.

When my oldest daughter was still single, she told me that I would be a grandmother before I was 40 years old. I remember saying something along the line of hoping she would get married first. She said she was going to marry William. At this point, William was unaware of Arya’s future plans. At the time this was taken as banter back and forth between a mother and daughter, at least by me. Arya was serious and looking back, there was an earnestness about her protestations then and those that followed.

Arya and William were married in March 2000. Their first child, Aaron was born in 2001, about four months before I turned 40 years old. They have four children now and have been married more than eleven years.

Was it coincidence, premonition, a wink from God? This is not the only time she has made a statement that has come to fruition. She is not alone in this. These moments show up throughout our family.

I knew without a shadow of doubt when I was sixteen years old that I would have three children. The first would be a girl, the second a boy and the third another girl. While I let others influence me while pregnant and hormonal with the first, it did not change the outcome as I had seen it as a teenager. With my first, I announced the day of her birth when I realized I was pregnant. With my second child, I knew he would be born before Christmas even with the doctor’s due date close to that day (December 22). When I saw the doc on my due date he said it looked like I would be delivering on Christmas day after all. I let him know to be prepared before Christmas. Trenton was born at 11:10 pm December 24. And I did nothing to start my labor artificially except to finish up some things I wanted done before he was born.

When my eldest was sixteen, I was in a phone conversation with my grandmother. Berneice (Bea) McKessick had been born June 10, 1918 to Grace Harkness and D’Esting Shepard. She had three children, Arnold, Myrna and Sherry. My mother is Myrna. The phone call came toward the end of the summer of 1996. And after the usual “how are you doing” and catching up, she made a statement: Arya is my last chance to have a great great grandbaby before I die. When I pointed out that she was only 16 years old, her response was “She’s old enough.” Her final statement has always stuck with me. “I really want to see my great great grandson.”

Grandma passed away less than a year later, as foreshadowed in our conversation. Her first great great grandchild was born almost four years later and he was Arya’s son Aaron.

My mother had been a smoker since a young teen. She never inhaled deeply like many smokers do. She was so impressed by the family doctor that delivered my third child, she decided to go and see him. I am not sure what impressed her the most, his patience with her questions while explaining why he was checking this and that on her new granddaughter or if it was because she could almost look him in the eye. She was just shy of five foot tall and this doctor was just a bit over that.

She made her appointment and he gave her a good onceover, knowing she was 46 years old and had been smoking all of her life. He told her that her lungs were clear but for every cigarette she smoked took time off of her life. “If you want to see your new granddaughter graduate from high school and get married, you need to quit smoking.” So she did. Though it would be lung cancer that took her life, she was indeed there when Tanis graduated and when Tanis married Isaiah.

I will not say that if my parents had not danced in smoky country bars or bowled in smoky bowling alleys, she would be here today despite never smoking another cigarette since she quit in 1984. You cannot predict if cancer comes or not. I am going to say that Dr. King made the difference that allowed his foreshadow to become a prophecy.

I remember a conversation with my son about his alcohol consumption. I knew the path her was going down would land him in jail. His drinking was getting out of control. I told him he needed to rein it in or he would land in jail. His answer, “I can quit anytime I want. It’s not a problem. You just worry too much.” He chalked it up to my being a mom.

I reminded him of the conversation a little over a year later as we sat across the glass in the local county jail. He could not really remember what had happened because he had drunk so much. Apparently he took a swing at someone after being told to leave a party (A Class A Felony). He did not hurt anyone, he left, and then he arrived at the wrong apartment and forced his way in looking for his sister. You know apartment complexes where every building looks the same…

Does this make me a psychic? Not in my book. I really believe we all have some measure of this ability. Many people just shrug it off or do not notice the significance of the event. I did like the author’s analogy of God winking at us. He noted that the significance of coincidences help us to know we have made good choices, to validate us and build our sense of esteem.

God Winks…hmmm…I wonder if his eye ever gets tired with all that winking…

Are You Looking for a Job? Be Confident

First off, this is not a job offer. Just the benefit of my knowledge gathered over the many, many years I have been employed. Whether you are looking for that first job or thinking of moving on to the next, everyone hits a point in their life where they are job hunting. So let me hit you with some tips that are true throughout the spectrum of careers and hasn't changed year to year, decade to decade, century to century. I have five key points to make to help you and to remind me just what it takes to get a job. I will post one point a week under the title Are You Looking for a Job?

Be Confident - easy to say,not always easy to do, but it can mean the difference between getting a job and not getting one. In 1989, we were looking to relocate to Portland, Oregon, the big city compared to the small town we lived in in Utah. My husband was in his mid 40's. I had just been laid off and he decided that Portland would be a good place for me to find a job in my chosen career, electronics engineering. So we packed the kids and came for a visit with my parents. My husband said he could find a job anywhere but Portland was the place for me. I had scoffed at his assertion that he would find a job within the short visit we were making. He had a job in two days working in his chosen profession, service management, making as much or more than he was making in Utah. We left the kids with my  folks, return to Utah where my husband gave his two weeks notice and he was at his new job, our house packed and ready for this new adventure in two weeks.

Sure, the job climate was a little different in 1989 compared to now, but this same lesson of confidence is being taught to new graduates looking for their first job. It is being taught to new job seekers, those who have been out of work because of the economy and taught to high school students looking to work at Dairy Queen.

No matter what age you are, you know what you can do. You know what your skills are. Learn to present yourself; not in the "I'm new at this and not sure of myself," attitude but in the "This is what I can do and this is how your company can benefit with me being an employee." New situations and new jobs can be scary but don't let the fear of change and the unknown keep you from one of the best job experiences of your life.

One of my first jobs after being laid off was doing research and development on kidney dialysis machines. I was to be a lab tech where I set up experiments according to engineer protocols and gathered data. I had never done any of that before. I had built cables and installed transducers for static testing of solid rocket boosters. I could read blueprints and circuit schematics. In the new job I would be working with hydraulic and pneumatic systems as well as simple electronic circuits.

When I went to the interview, I let them know what my strengths were, what my experience was and that I could follow any diagram. My experience with this company was one of the most rewarding and tremendously satisfying. I quickly realized after looking at hydraulic and pneumatic diagrams that they are much like electronic circuits with resistance, switches and directional movement. With my ability to communicate clearly with not only engineers in their own language but also with marketing and with the production floor. I became a bridge in a communication gap that helped to facilitate bringing into production a new dialysis machine.

It does not matter whether you are interviewing for a waitress job or a job as an account executive. Being confident is important. When I spoke to HR recruiters and department managers about what it is they look for in a candidate, confidence was high on their list.

"If a prospective employee is tentative, unsure of themselves during an interview or first contact, even with a glowing resume, it is a mark against them." 

Though not the only deciding factor, it is clear that when compared to another candidate with a similar resume and experience base, confidence is weighted in consideration.

"We want employees who can get in and start doing. We don't want to have to babysit or bolster them along. Confidence is a key factor in that."

Remember, it is not what you feel but what you present and how you present it that is seen and evaluated.

Here I Am

OK, I've done it. I have officially started a blog. I don't know as yet what I am going to do with this. I'm not even sure why I have done this except I love reading my daughter's blog; it keeps me connected to her family in another state. And I have found some pretty interesting stuff in others blogs. I do like to write and have published a few items.

I do feel that epiphanies are worth sharing. I believe we have a purpose in this life, though granted it is not always clear what that purpose is. I think it is multi-layered and multi-dimensional. We learn from each other.

We do what we can in a life that has never been fair. We can counteract that unfairness by the perspective we choose and the attitude in which we face life's vagaries. And when we get knocked down it is the warrior in us that helps us back to our feet to face life again.

I will give you one last thing about me. As one person, I cannot make a difference in the world's turmoil on the grand scale. The world or even a significant portion of it is not going to know my name. But then fame has never been my game. But I do believe I can make a significant difference in my home and the world outside my door.