I’ve laid a hint here and there about things happening and that I had a story to tell. It is time to tell the story.
On August 31, 2011, I was called to a meeting with my boss and the Human Resources Manager. Long story short, I was being relegated to fewer than 15 hours a week until I could find another position. Did I do anything to warrant this? Were they displeased with my performance? No, not really. Oh yes, I did make some minor errors that came from being new to the client management end of things, though nothing gross or devastating. They admitted that in most cases I would be mentored along as other new nurses to the company had been in the past. So why?
One of the reasons I had been offered the position was that one of the nurses had decided to give notice and look for work in an acute care setting, getting himself ready to become a travel nurse with his nurse wife. They also knew my work ethic and how I handled difficult clients and/or their family members. But the nurse who was going to leave decided to stay and here I was, an extra nurse in an agency who did not need me. And with the economy it was just too much to ask to pay nursing wages to do minimal nursing work that could be covered by the others in the office. I was told that I could continue to do the foot care program, working as a nurse until I found another position. And they would write a glowing letter of recommendation.
This was a blow. I was angry and hurt. But I did not stay that way. Certain things kept going through my mind. Doors I had closed being forcibly opened once more. And there was a relief, an emotional weight that lifted; a weight I had not even been aware of. I was fascinated by what was happening.
I was invited to continue getting the launch of a new program ready for alcohol detox. It gives me almost full-time hours at a reduced rate but with little vestiges of nursing here and there. I know they watched me to see what my reaction was going to be over the days that followed. I am still doing the foot care though only sporadically as they want my full effort on the program launch. I am working with nurses who respect me as a nurse and a co-worker. I find what I am doing challenging and exciting.
I will let you in on a little secret. Actually two secrets. My husband knew I was hurt and angry by what had happened. He also knew that I would continue to do my very best for this company despite the betrayal I felt. Yet, it was not until I spoke to him in-depth about what I needed to do, what I felt and how best to approach this new facet in my career that the anger and hurt began to really wane. He did not give me solutions; I was not asking for any. He did not give me resolution. He did listen and he responded and I found clarity in my confusion and the hurt melted away.
The second part of this, the second secret, is something that many of you may not understand but goes along with doors closed being forcibly opened. I love what I do as a nurse, as a caregiver. I enjoy the challenge of starting a new program utilizing my nursing skills as well as skills traditionally not considered nursing though they are integral to any nursing position. And yet what I was doing, my excitement and my vision of my future with this company seemed forced. My boss pointed out that she thought she was being selfish and having me as part of her team was forced. That this was not the place for me, despite my successes and my qualifications working with them for more than 6 years. I had shut the door on part of my original vision out of loyalty to this company and the great people I would continue to work with. I mean, what new nursing grad could turn down what was offered even before graduation? Nonetheless, I knew, deep in those dark reaches of my soul, that this was not where I needed to be. That still, small voice whispered, I rationalized.
When that door was forcibly opened again, the self-imposed burden was lifted. The relief added to my confusion but as the clarity set in, as the hurt waned, I can better see the path before me. The destination is still obscured but the steps, or shall I say stops along the journey to that destination are getting clearer.
After re-vamping my resume, I have been applying to positions in different parts of Oregon and in different states. I have submitted my RN licensure by Endorsement to Washington State so I can look for work there. I will do the same to Idaho. I even have an interview next week. And so I slog with the rest of the tide looking for work. Interesting feeling.
Of course, I would have preferred to open that door on my own…I celebrate the fact that I discerned the rightness of that open door. The voice whispers and I listen.
