In Rsponse to Ask Amy

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/tribu/askamy/ct-ae-0820-amy-20110820,0,1948815,full.column

Dear Amy:

We need some insight regarding grandparents' rights.
Our son married a single mother of a 6-year-old boy and together they had a daughter.

From the start, we saw the baby almost daily.
Now almost 2, the baby is a delightful child who has given us a great deal of happiness.
We make a point to spend a lot of quality time with our granddaughter and have developed a wonderful relationship with her.
However, our son and daughter-in-law are insisting that we show the same level of affection with her son.
Now they are withholding visits with our granddaughter based on that condition.
While we have always welcomed this boy and have never mistreated him, we simply don't feel the same about him as our granddaughter. We think our son and his wife are being unreasonable.
Everyone we know agrees with us, and now we are looking for an impartial opinion.
First of all, is it wrong that we can't find a way to treat the two children exactly alike?
And, secondly, is it wrong that we should not be allowed to see our granddaughter because of this fact?
— Grandparents

Dear Grandparents:

It might seem impossible to feel exactly the same way about two children, but openly favoring one child is damaging to both children, the children's parents — and to you.
"Not mistreating" this boy is a depressingly low standard.
You may not be able to instantly muster the level of affection for your step-grandson that you do your granddaughter, but you don't seem to have made much of an effort. Isn't your grandparents' embrace big enough, wide enough and expansive enough for two?
I don't agree with the parents' decision to use their toddler daughter as a wedge to manipulate and control you, but I do agree with their effort to get your attention.
Your "right" to be with your grandchildren extends only as far as the parents wish it to. Visits are at their discretion.
I suggest you meet with your son and his wife (without the children present) to ask for their suggestions about ways you could get to know this grandson better. Give them suggestions, too, about how they can better help you to expand your reach.

In the morning I get up early enough to read the online comics and a little Dear Abby and Ask Amy before I have to get into the meat of the day. Above is from today’s (Saturday, August 20, 2011) Ask Amy column. Amy’s answer was rather lame, especially when she said the parents were wrong for withholding visits that were clearly damaging their family. But more than anything, today’s post made me think of the people in my life who accept, whose arms embrace, whose hearts grow to fill the need, even when they thought it couldn’t be done.

My mother was one that was surprised at how we integrated Barry, my ex-husband, into the family. In her life, when people divorce, they disappear, they are not spoken of except in general terms and only on very rare occasions. And if you should meet them on the street, it is a very, very awkward moment. Yet, because Barry was still a very big part of my life and the lives of her grandchildren, the whole family embraced and welcomed and loved him. When he remarried, his wife, Kitty, more fully integrated into our family. We all embraced her children. We accepted all of them. Her children remember my mom as grandma and have spoken of the wonderful memories associated with her and my dad. To my mom and dad, they were family.

I remember my mother bristling a bit when Kitty was showing pictures of her kids that included pictures of mine. She had thought Kitty was trying to usurp my motherhood. I let her know that Kitty was accepting my children into her heart as her own, not labeling them “Step.” I told her that my children knew I was their mother and they knew they could have a relationship with Kitty without offending me. We are all connected in this family web of ours. She never bristled again and embraced Kitty as fully as she embraced Barry.

I can add Afton and Rosel Hyde to this list as the embraced me into the family long before I married their son. Robert Hyde Jr who has a flock of kids that he treats as his own, whose blood connection is not nearly so important as the family connection he forges. Loraine Tackett who is mom to many more than those she gave birth to. And her children have that some acceptance, that same family embrace.

There are others I could add to this list, but this illustrates my point that family is those you let into your heart. Family is the connections and bonds we forge.Those connections and bonds are our life's blood. They keep our hearts open to possibilities and growing to make room for more connections and bonds.

And shame on those grandparents for having such a narrow sense of family. They have no clue as to what they are missing.

What is a Superhero?

There has been a lot of hype and movies over the years about Superheroes. Batman, Superman, Spider Man, Wonder Woman, Ultraviolet have all been written about and immortalized on Hollywood’s big screen. But I have to tell you that my version of what a superhero is has little to do with golden lassos, radioactive spiders or ancient alien civilizations.

A hero is someone who acts despite the fear, despite the obstacles and whose vision focuses beyond themselves. Though they are not perfect, when they add passion and the ability to inspire they begin to reach toward that superhero inside them. I would like to highlight two superheroes becoming…

William has had his share of life’s solid blows that knocked him to his knees then sat on him so he couldn’t stand up. But he did just that. He stood up, he moved forward. He is finding balance in his life of being a husband, a father and a man. He understands his limitations but does not limit himself. 

He is a warrior. No because he joined the military and did a tour in Iraq. Not because he waded through the contaminated waters of Katrina. He was a warrior before he chose a military career. He stepped beyond the expectations of labels. He made decisions as a man should; with deliberation, discussion and without running to his mother to ask permission. Now he stands by his family, with his family and for his family. He plays the cards that life has dealt him and has a winning hand.

He inspires me with his ability to move beyond his physical pain, to engage with his children, to create with his imagination and to smile. A superhero in the works if ever I saw one.

Aaron works, utilizing the education he is still pursuing. He has a family that has special needs. And he consciously continues to improve the man he is. His energy and drive reflects in his family’s energy and drive. Sometimes over-the-top, sometimes reflective and sage, he meets life head-on. 

He shares his experiences with enthusiasm. And not just those experiences that build on the image of a perfect man in an imperfect world. He shares the humbling experiences, the heart-rending experiences that can knock you flat and take your breath away. He opens doors for others to see similar circumstances in their lives from a different perspective.

He is a teacher in all that he does. If I were to name the one thing that defines him, it would be teaching. While he is a nurse, an instructor, a father, a husband, a friend, teacher is at the core of all he does. He brings the student in, gives them the tools to succeed, inspires them to reach beyond themselves and supports them through the ups and downs of learning. This is evident whether in his role as a father or instructor or friend. Definitely a superhero in the works.

Life is Good Because...

Life is Good Because...the opportunities to see life's treasures motivate me to look for them!

At our all admin meeting, the owner of the company I work for stated the meeting off with "Life is Good Because..." She went around the room and asked each of us to finish that sentence with a personal reason and a corporate reason. She encouraged us to write something each day and place it at the top of our priority lists for that day. I LIKE it!

I have introduced to my kids, who have introduced to their friends, the Positive Perspective as a tool to bring a negative perspective to a more positive one. This fits right into that. If you can start your day with a positive thought, your day will more easily follow the positive.

Oh, yes, life is full of things that can take us away from the positive, adding stress, adding negative thoughts. People who cut you off in traffic, people you interact with that just don't get it,the car not starting and you are going to be lte for work, or that appointment or the movie, your child finding a permanent marker just before going out the door to church and drawing all over the walls, their clothes and their just cleaned face, that boss who keeps asking you for more and more but takes every opportunity to make you feel less and less competent. This and a myriad of other negative sparkers.

But we do not have to live with the negative, stress causing, cortisol stimulating feelings. We can balance it and even wipe out the effects by being positive. Oh yes, easier said than done...I can hear the sarcasm but also the hope in that statement.

I'll lay out the Positive Perspective in another post. For now just know it is possible. And look for the positive things that already exist in your life and that happen every day.

Are You Looking for a Job? Be Respectful

When you are looking for a job, show respect. I can almost hear some of you reading this say DUH!. But there is more to showing respect than being polite and courteous.

First, show respect for yourself and for the company you are applying for employment by finding out something about them beyond their storefront. It shows an interest that can make or break the interview process. Find out their mission statement or philosophy then speak to it. This can move you along to the next interview and closer to getting the position. When you understand the company’s mission and philosophy you can answer questions easier and clearer.

A young man I know, a nurse who was looking to improve his chances of becoming a travel nurse by applying for a hospital position. He had a strong resume along with strong recommendations from colleagues and from people in a position to make an impact. His academics were strong with continuing education units to bolster his position and worth to the hospital. He did not get the position. The department he was looking at wanted a commitment of five years and while he was willing to do that, he spoke extensively about moving on to travel nursing. Their philosophy was commitment. He did not speak to the commitment, but to moving on to something else.

What you wear is as important as what you say. While it is great to express your individuality, dressing down, covering tattoos, turning your green hair to a more natural color is appropriate when job hunting and hoping for an interview. Wearing dress slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt (man or woman) shows respect by taking the process seriously. And in return, you are taken seriously. I cannot count the number of times I spoke with hiring managers who took one look at an applicant and made the decision on the spot not to hire them because of what they were wearing or the garish display of tattoos, piercings and bright colored rainbow streaks in their hair. The consensus was, “Yeah, right, they’re looking for a job? They haven’t got a clue.”

For women, show some respect for yourself by getting hired on your abilities and not how short your skirt is. For you men out there, wearing tight pants to show off your assets or shirts that show your ripped abs and biceps is not likely to get you taken seriously. For anyone who gets hired based on their sex appeal, it will be hard to garner the respect or have your ability to do your job taken seriously. 

Don’t get me wrong. Maybe showing your ink is appropriate if you are applying at a tattoo parlor. Showing your long legs may be totally suitable for applying to exotic dancing. And the guy applying to be a bouncer might want to emphasize his muscle bulk. But even when applying to McDonald’s you cannot go wrong with nice slacks and a long-sleeved dress shirt…even without the tie. Rule of thumb, the more professional the position, the more professional your dress should be.

One last bit on respect – showing respect for yourself, showing respect for the company you are making application to. Stand straight, don’t slouch. Make sure your breath is fresh but ditch the gum and/or breath mint before you get to the interview. Trying to get words around a wad of gum or breath mint is tantamount to talking with your mouth full at the dinner table. Avoid using swear words or slang not part of the culture of the company you are applying to. This can cause misunderstanding and the loss of a job opportunity. 

And finally, never deride or make derogatory comments about previous employers no matter what the circumstances were that separated you from their employment.