In Rsponse to Ask Amy

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/tribu/askamy/ct-ae-0820-amy-20110820,0,1948815,full.column

Dear Amy:

We need some insight regarding grandparents' rights.
Our son married a single mother of a 6-year-old boy and together they had a daughter.

From the start, we saw the baby almost daily.
Now almost 2, the baby is a delightful child who has given us a great deal of happiness.
We make a point to spend a lot of quality time with our granddaughter and have developed a wonderful relationship with her.
However, our son and daughter-in-law are insisting that we show the same level of affection with her son.
Now they are withholding visits with our granddaughter based on that condition.
While we have always welcomed this boy and have never mistreated him, we simply don't feel the same about him as our granddaughter. We think our son and his wife are being unreasonable.
Everyone we know agrees with us, and now we are looking for an impartial opinion.
First of all, is it wrong that we can't find a way to treat the two children exactly alike?
And, secondly, is it wrong that we should not be allowed to see our granddaughter because of this fact?
— Grandparents

Dear Grandparents:

It might seem impossible to feel exactly the same way about two children, but openly favoring one child is damaging to both children, the children's parents — and to you.
"Not mistreating" this boy is a depressingly low standard.
You may not be able to instantly muster the level of affection for your step-grandson that you do your granddaughter, but you don't seem to have made much of an effort. Isn't your grandparents' embrace big enough, wide enough and expansive enough for two?
I don't agree with the parents' decision to use their toddler daughter as a wedge to manipulate and control you, but I do agree with their effort to get your attention.
Your "right" to be with your grandchildren extends only as far as the parents wish it to. Visits are at their discretion.
I suggest you meet with your son and his wife (without the children present) to ask for their suggestions about ways you could get to know this grandson better. Give them suggestions, too, about how they can better help you to expand your reach.

In the morning I get up early enough to read the online comics and a little Dear Abby and Ask Amy before I have to get into the meat of the day. Above is from today’s (Saturday, August 20, 2011) Ask Amy column. Amy’s answer was rather lame, especially when she said the parents were wrong for withholding visits that were clearly damaging their family. But more than anything, today’s post made me think of the people in my life who accept, whose arms embrace, whose hearts grow to fill the need, even when they thought it couldn’t be done.

My mother was one that was surprised at how we integrated Barry, my ex-husband, into the family. In her life, when people divorce, they disappear, they are not spoken of except in general terms and only on very rare occasions. And if you should meet them on the street, it is a very, very awkward moment. Yet, because Barry was still a very big part of my life and the lives of her grandchildren, the whole family embraced and welcomed and loved him. When he remarried, his wife, Kitty, more fully integrated into our family. We all embraced her children. We accepted all of them. Her children remember my mom as grandma and have spoken of the wonderful memories associated with her and my dad. To my mom and dad, they were family.

I remember my mother bristling a bit when Kitty was showing pictures of her kids that included pictures of mine. She had thought Kitty was trying to usurp my motherhood. I let her know that Kitty was accepting my children into her heart as her own, not labeling them “Step.” I told her that my children knew I was their mother and they knew they could have a relationship with Kitty without offending me. We are all connected in this family web of ours. She never bristled again and embraced Kitty as fully as she embraced Barry.

I can add Afton and Rosel Hyde to this list as the embraced me into the family long before I married their son. Robert Hyde Jr who has a flock of kids that he treats as his own, whose blood connection is not nearly so important as the family connection he forges. Loraine Tackett who is mom to many more than those she gave birth to. And her children have that some acceptance, that same family embrace.

There are others I could add to this list, but this illustrates my point that family is those you let into your heart. Family is the connections and bonds we forge.Those connections and bonds are our life's blood. They keep our hearts open to possibilities and growing to make room for more connections and bonds.

And shame on those grandparents for having such a narrow sense of family. They have no clue as to what they are missing.